What went wrong?

It hapenned to me again...
yeah, im talking about the sudden gaping void in my heart.... the sinking feeling... everything went blurry.... couldnt breathe..
utterly avoidable, i know, but can i stop myself? 30 minutes to my exam, and im clutching my heavy heart -literally- my throat begging for water...
I dont know why...just WHY I had to think about u at this instant..
I pretend ive gotten over u, im so cool, and ur absence makes no difference to my life..my well being...
i joke that im better off without the added responsibilty...
im single, and ready to mingle...
kickass!!! isnt it?? i know it is!!!

but what about all the dreams we wove together??
what about all the sacrifices, all the pain, all the tears of joy, and sorrow alike???
how could u strangle then so mercilessly??
didnt u think of me even once??
was it absolutely essential to do what you did??

The most crucial phase of my life, and u deserted me...i am NOT accusing you, i know u wouldn't even care to read this entire post, but i just cant STOP...
i thought u'd call me...but u didnt....
did i ask too much of u?? was a little bit of love and loyalty too much to ask for???
I might not be the same guy u fell in love with 25 months ago, but wasnt it u, or rather ur presence which made me change?? my happy go lucky nature has become more sober, more responsible. Yes, different...
But how could u forget the iPod i sold so that we could talk on the phone?? it was the love of my life!! the innumerable trips to the STD booth, braving heat, rain, cold, to save those measly 25 paise as compared to my cell phone??
the night I spent on the streets???
did you care about me then??
do u care about me now??/

u were blissfully unaware of my situation/ nice n comfy at ur friends' place, and left me to fend for myself in the biting January cold... i know im 19!! and yeah, im the same bully who beats the shit out of people, the same guy who broke the beer bottle on the loser's head....
How could he dare to grope u? ur my girl... or so i thought!!!
two hours later, at 2.00 AM the empty strrets of pune, taught me a lesson... never go that extra mile for u..
u left me alone at such an early stage in our relationship..
i came down just for u... lied to my folks, squeezed my bank account dry...
WHY?? so that i'd be penniless on the streets??
NO its for the love ive felt for u, so deep down within...unlike anything ive felt for anyone...
u'd promised me that we'd spend the night talking in the cafe... over mugs of steaming cappuchino... like weve always imagined, but never done...
but u preferred the warmth of ur friend's apartment, to the warmth of my love...
but did my love change?? it didnt!!
IT JUST COULDNT!!!

The night shifts i worked, just so that i could finance our monthly meetings, my gifts to u, our clandestine rendezvous,
our first anniversary... the worst day of my life...
My second anniversary...well, it never happened...
u ditched me 6 days before...
i sold my hard disk, 80 GB- brand new, for 600 bucks lesser, so that i could have ur favourite chocolate truffle, blue orchids and the brown teddy hand-delivered to u at midnight...
but it was in vain...
u were happier with him, werent you?? just because i didnt give u time??
i didnt HAVE time goddamnit!!! i sacrificed all my waking hours WORKING for the money... my responsibilities at college, CAT, mom n dad... nothing made my life any easier!!
i did it for u, so that we could have a better life ahead.. but u preferred a chatty boyfriend who cheated behind ur back, rather than me..
yeah, i wasnt the hookah-smoking cool biker guy who went on exciting international trips...
But i gave u the very best i could, and for me it matters!!!
I treated u at the best restaurants, gave u the best gifts, spent money i didnt have...just to make u happy...
but u used me...
my conscience abhors me... i hate myself for being alive...
i feel raped of my dignity...my self confidence has diminished into something slimy, gooey stuff that congests my chest, which stops me from breathing...

Is this fair? who am i kidding?? was life ever fair to me???
i know uve stopped reading long ago, but i have to unburden myself...
i have had enough of this!!
the agony of my wretched soul has to be soothed... im here.. rasping...begging for solace, but i find none....
i cant cry anymore...ive cried too much...
no one knows.. no one would ever know... i told no one...


last night u told me u found out hes been lying to u...
he has a girl friend u never knew about...
u cried.. like i could never bring myself to cry...
like a baby, the tears cleansing, washing off the pain...
not my silent half-choked midnight sobs of agony.. self pity....

u asked for forgiveness...
u said u want to come back...
i said yes...


does that make me the loser?? or the victor?? has time settled its scores with u?? or have i made a fool of myself... yet agian!!
whatever it is, a small part of me died last night...
no one would notice, its too insignificant anyways...
But it was a part of my soul which was my most prized possession...
Which never left me since the day i came to being....

its called...



my self respect....

Telephonic Trauma!! #4

A "Scintillating" finish.....

26th October 2008.
Sunday, 8.00 AM
I had just woken up, bleary eyed, and was lolling on the sofa in the living room, waiting for my customary mug of tea -(Yeah, mallus drink tea in gigantic mugs, and not in tiny dainty cups) -when my ancient motorola furiously vibrated my pocket. i picked it up, and found that the cops had finally found my phone after 6 days of arduous investigation. they didnt tell me, but i think the FBI and the interpol were summoned to locate this wily smuggler. they definitely must have used hi-tech espionage and bullet proof jackets to save themselves from his deadly arsenal of weaponry ranging from banarasi paan to marlboro lights....
Cutting a long story short, they handed over my baby to me. As i thanked them with a smile, they quizzically looked at me. Few minutes of "friendly conversation" later, my pocket was lighter by a 1000 bucks.

Happy Diwali!!!

Epilogue:
My phone is with me, but without my contacts, my pics, my memories, or my downloaded MP3s. insted, there is a motley mix of bhojpuri music, raunchy cleavage baring thumka laden videos, and themes of ravi kissen (I AM NOT KIDDING!). All said and done, im still contented. a sincere piece of advice to all readers, please download a mobile tracker. Its free. a few KBs of data never hurt anyone. its better than losing phone anyways. so take a leaf out of my e-book, and get it done at the earliest.

Cheers!!!

Telephonic Trauma!! #3

A Twist in the Tale!!

20th October, 2008.
6.00 PM
I come to terms with the fact that my first-born-son (yeah, i still mean my N72, Duh!) is...well, lost!! no longer with me...
I debate on whether to write an Obituary for it, or place a"Missing Persons" Advertisement, as both "deeply mourning", and "Ghar aa jao beta" summed up my state of mind quite effectively. Well, i just decide to be one of the rather unfortunate urchins without access to GPRS or a carl Zeiss camera. A book now means a standard tome with recycled bark pages, and not virtual pages on Adobe reader. lame??
You Bet!!

6.26 PM
I had just finished typing out an SMS to my million friends, when i got an SMS on the Ancient Motorola i was using.....
"SIM Changed.
IMEI...
Country code...
Area Code...
Operator: Vodafone
Time: 6.25 PM"

I peered at the message for a full second, when comprehension finally dawned on me...
my heart filled with glee, as the union of the two most beautiful words of the English language..."Mobile Tracker!!!" sluggishly trickled into my dim-witted head. my erstwhile apathy towards the law brigade suddenly saw a transformation of sorts, as i grabbed a soiled pair of jeans, and a shirt...
My mind raced ahead of me as i got dressed, and dragged a friend along to the POLICE station.

7.00 PM- Vashi railway police station.

A "darling" cop chided me for my carelessness in reporting the matter 3 days late. I bore the brunt of his harsh words, and just kept my acidic sarcasm in check. A brainwave made me impersonate a Vodafone Customer care executive and call up the miscreant who was using my phone. i gave him an offer which he couldnt refuse!! free calls to 3 local numbers, 300 sms free a month, and all local calls @ 10 paise, without rental or migration charges!!!
Sweet!!
Damn, it felt like my Girlfriend was being kept hostage or something!! after five minutes of exercising my "Contact Centre Executive" experience, i had the name, the address, and the "billing detials" of our friendly-neighbourhood-paanwala!!! Who could have imagined, that the "Angel" who provided people with classic milds can have such a dark side to his personna??
my sweetheart which was stolen atVashi was sold in Masjid bunder...yeah, across the city!!!
Armed with such little information, our Macho Mumbai police embarked on their "Grail Quest."

...and Akshay is shunted back home..!!!

Telephonic Trauma!! #2

The adventure continues.....

Day 2- October 18, 2008.

I woke up to the rather sweet sound of my mother screaming on top of her lungs, and frantically banging the door to my room. She generally gives me a wake up call on my now-non-existant cell phone, to save herself from climbing seven stairs...

Sweet!! 6.30 AM already, a 7.30 AM train to catch, not a word studied, unwashed, uncombed, i stagger down the stairs to have breakfast. feel like catching up on the previous nights' barrage of SMS...oops!!

No Phone, No sms!!

Just shove some food into my mouth and strut to college in style.

7.25 Am, Seawoods Railway Station...

i remember that i havent combed hy hair..(the ones on the head, not my face)

now, where do i find a mirror?? no problemo!! a fancy-schmancy "photygraff" would do the trick!!!

my 15 kg fat filled stomach does a back flip....as i realise....

No Phone, No Camera!!

just use my fingers as a rudimentary comb as best as i can....Frustrating??? hell yeah!!!

feel like listening to some heavy metal to soothe my nerves...

oh-oh, way to go!!! forgot my trusty iTouch (8GB) at home!! Big Deal...N72 to the rescue!!! (uh..not quite!!)

No Phone, no music!!

Agonized, that i have to hear the senseless political banter of unruly, unkempt crowds early in the morning, i decide to brush up my rural-marketing gyan. hmm, notes--incomplete!

textbook--conspicuous by its absence...

SWELL!!

not really!! "Akshay the Great" backs up every thing!!

the has got most definitions photographed with the smart 2.0 megapixel camera in the N...

oh well..

No Phone, No Studying!!

reach college in a state of panic. flirt with the librarian girl, illegally snatch a reference copy of the textbook from the shelf, run off to 35paise photocopying centre. stare gloomily as beams of light from the photocopier decide my destiny, and burn a hole in my wallet simultaneously....it doesnt get any better...

broken out of my snooze by the boy who struggles with a simple multiplication of 142 pages @ 35 paise each...

haha!! bozo...!!

ill do it faster than him, on my Calculator!!! 8-D

God bless technology!!!

i make a bored, faux- haughty expression, shove my hand into my back-pocket to pull out my favourite N72!!!

yeah, yeah!!!

gloat as much as u want, bitch!!!

No Phone, no calculation!!

As i mull over my level of dependance on the gleaming black cuboid that not-so-long-ago used to snuggle close to my ass, i just pause to wonder....

What AM I without my phone??

without an identity/ without a means to be contacted/ A nobody...

i get goosebumps when i think of my land-line hogging days, like 5 years ago...

it isnt nostalgia, Folks...

ITS PARANOIA!!!!

Telephonic Trauma!!

The Adventure Begins...

All of you technophiles definitely understand the agony of losing a phone! not a REALLY snazzy one, but atleast a Symbian S60 Black Nokia N72 is better than Nothing!!! here is an agonizing take on my personal trauma!!

Day 1- October 17th, 2008.
Ridhiman's Birthday...neat!!

For the uninitiated, Ridhiman Banerjee is one of my best buddies from college. his appearance in college is a once-in-a-blue-moon kinda phenomenon, for some reasons best left out ;-)
I like the oh-so-sweet guy that i have always been wanted to go meet him. So? whats the big deal you might ask/// it was...
i was right in the middle of an internal examination, with 40 effed up marks dangling like Democles' proverbial sword over my neck!! So i am supposed to sit down and study, right???
WRONG!!
i argue with Mom about the importance of Friends in one's life, dress up, comb my face (yeah i need to do that, due to an abundant growth of facial hair) bang the door, and i am off!!!
Sweet!!
Smells like teen Spirit!!! doesn't it???

So, cutting the long story short, i just about managed to get inside a harbour-line panvel to CST local train's second class compartment. being squeezed by 150 men of different shapes and sizes from all directions at the same time isnt exactly enviable unless you are a pervert, of course!! or should i use the more Socially-relevant, politically-correct Homo-sexual..(smirk!!) and the sweat and grime of the late-evening doesnt help too much either...
so finally i get down at Vashi only to find my corpulent butt a little lighter...yeah, by 120 gms of Nokia-branded-plastic-and-circuit...
some son-of-a-gun went ahead and swiped it clear off my back pocket, imagine his nerve!!!

me being a worthless-jobless student types, have plenty of time on hand to fill up my poor 512MB memory card with weird softwares, IIM ahmedabad, heavy metal, and marijuana themes... the works!!!
the usual riff-raff ud find in a wannabee-popular 19 year olds N72...
what hurt me the most wasnt the loss of over 500 phone numbers accumulated over 2 1/2 years, or some cute chicks' pics id coaxed out with my photographic skills, or my 3d snake top-score built up over a year of laborious toil...
BUT it was my pirated MP3 Rock music collection, a multitude of passwords, AND my FIFTH semester BOARD EXAM time table....(dont forget the cute chicks' birthdays laboriously collected and saved in my calendar--"ooh Akshay! u remembered!!! how cute!! Muah, Muah)!!!!!!

Bah, who the Fudge cares!!!


But it is said that when u lose some, you gain some!!
i gained a lot in the terms of my knowledge of malayalam expletives, around an hour of sermons on how to guard ur butt in a train from pervs who wanna feel up ur ass...

All said and done, Bhaskar is a happy man!!!
(heard that song?? not worth the trouble, but definitely worth a laugh!!!)

So long then!!!

A Materialistically rich country cannot afford to be Spiritually poor


Ancient man was a profound thinker, as he had lesser things to cloud his intelligence or limit his thinking prowess. He was better connected with the happenings around him. Even the most subtle of changes in his environment was noticed, studied and pondered upon. This created an awakening which cannot be substituted by any amount of education. Man was much better connected with his soul then, as compared to now. All ancient civilizations like Egyptian, Indus valley, Mesopotamian, Mayan, etc boast of the knowledge of the inner self, as numerous archaeological findings prove. They were believers in a higher power, capable of liberating, as well as punishing. Science was still budding. As times progressed, the ancient school of thought vanished and almost died away. Facts turned into legend, and legend into myth. The need of the hour was to procure resources for the growing tribe. And the only way to do this was to snatch them from the weaker ones. The ancient barbaric strains seen in Vikings, the Mongols, and the Huns is now reciprocated in their descendant…modern man.
Though socially developed, modern man has this burgeoning desire in himself to acquire, to possess. Having more than one’s neighbor seems to be the only driving force left in man. This inane quest for material goods has dulled mans senses, and filled him with an illusion, that hoarding is the key to nirvana. What he fails to understand, is the temporary nature of these things. Our own Hindu culture explains the concept of “Maya” in great detail. It says, that everything in this world, even the human body, is a mirage, an illusion of the mind. What really exists, is the soul, and the higher power with which it eventually connects, following a never ending cycle of rebirths, unless a person realizes the real importance of material goods. This concept, though not proven scientifically, may have been our elders’ way of teaching us the virtue of simple living and high thinking. Just imagine, the implications such an attitude would have on the world!!
The chief capitalist hub, the US would stop its quest of superficial power, and would leave all other developing countries alone, to peacefully pursue their ambitions. Come to think of it, even the developing countries would stop running the rat race, and pursue what really exists: spiritual peace; and an all pervading satisfaction…an understanding of oneself, and the experience of utopian bliss! All forms of wars and unrest in the name of religion would come to a standstill, as it does not take an Einstein to figure out, that the basic principles of all religions are essentially the same! A satisfied and happy mind would not need religious crutches to walk; it can run, on its own, unbound, free of all shackles of what is so incorrectly termed as rational thought!
Man calls himself the most intelligent species on the planet, when he is actually the most confounded being. What he fails to realize is, that happiness is supposed to be searched for within oneself, and not in some temporarily satisfying material product. Happiness lies, not at the end of the road, but in the journey itself. And the sooner man realizes this, can he throw open the windows of enlightenment upon his blighted soul, free it of all restraint, and be really rich…not in monetary terms, but a richness that is absolute. A richness that can be shared, but cannot be snatched away by anyone. Such spiritual richness is the key to bliss.

New world order!!

If somebody told you, that life was always meant to be easy, that there is a higher power up there looking after us, & that everything will be all right, & it’s all a matter of time…..
Well…SOMEBODY lied!!!...
Nothing…Just nothing is Predetermined…
Whatever you are, is YOU, and not just another piece of jigsaw puzzle specially designed by someone else, MEANT to fall into place, at the right place, in the right time…..
YOU make it all happen, the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY!!!!

Your destiny or your fortune is not in the STARS, or in your PALMS…..
Even those who don’t have HANDS have a destiny….


THINK!!!!
OPEN UP, ACT!!!!!
THE WORLD NEEDS A NEW LEADER>>>


ARE YOU GAME????

The Beginning...

Hello Whoever!
Since today is the birthday of my blog, i'd just like to write about something special....ME!!!
Anyways, i think my speciality lies in my not being special. Im just this average joe, still trying to find my niche in life, stumbling across this great wide chasm between adolescense and adulthood. my journey so far has been peppered with numerous instances of joy, as well as heartbreaks, like almost all late teenagers, but then....life goes on....doesnt it????

I have this rather silly habit of speaking my mind irrespective of the people or place surrounding me. This often lands me in an unpleasant situation, with people accusing me of having an attitude problem or a superiority complex. But of all things, malice is what i dont have. My squeaky clean heart and mind only wishes to be pleasant to all, like a healer, healing away wounds left by time.
But these intangible feelings are more often than not perceived to be an attempt to gain popularity....something i have shied away from all my life, but thrust upon me nevertheless!
just for starters, this is me, in a nutshell....

Akshay Vannery...100% Akshay, no elements or influences of anyone around me...
I am a student pursuing my Bachelors in Management Studies, from Mumbai University.
an ex-call center employee, an ex-transcriber, an ex-editor, an ex- HR executive...all rolled into one....a Geminian u see.....:-D
But this is just me, loads of variety. Being with Akshay is like being with so many people at once....The optimist, the realist, the agonizing pessimist, all seamlessly integrated into this confusing medley, which even i myself have never been able to decipher.....


So long, Whoever...thanks for being patient enough with my exotic CRAPpola!!!!
Do come back for more interesting grub!