What went wrong?

It hapenned to me again...
yeah, im talking about the sudden gaping void in my heart.... the sinking feeling... everything went blurry.... couldnt breathe..
utterly avoidable, i know, but can i stop myself? 30 minutes to my exam, and im clutching my heavy heart -literally- my throat begging for water...
I dont know why...just WHY I had to think about u at this instant..
I pretend ive gotten over u, im so cool, and ur absence makes no difference to my life..my well being...
i joke that im better off without the added responsibilty...
im single, and ready to mingle...
kickass!!! isnt it?? i know it is!!!

but what about all the dreams we wove together??
what about all the sacrifices, all the pain, all the tears of joy, and sorrow alike???
how could u strangle then so mercilessly??
didnt u think of me even once??
was it absolutely essential to do what you did??

The most crucial phase of my life, and u deserted me...i am NOT accusing you, i know u wouldn't even care to read this entire post, but i just cant STOP...
i thought u'd call me...but u didnt....
did i ask too much of u?? was a little bit of love and loyalty too much to ask for???
I might not be the same guy u fell in love with 25 months ago, but wasnt it u, or rather ur presence which made me change?? my happy go lucky nature has become more sober, more responsible. Yes, different...
But how could u forget the iPod i sold so that we could talk on the phone?? it was the love of my life!! the innumerable trips to the STD booth, braving heat, rain, cold, to save those measly 25 paise as compared to my cell phone??
the night I spent on the streets???
did you care about me then??
do u care about me now??/

u were blissfully unaware of my situation/ nice n comfy at ur friends' place, and left me to fend for myself in the biting January cold... i know im 19!! and yeah, im the same bully who beats the shit out of people, the same guy who broke the beer bottle on the loser's head....
How could he dare to grope u? ur my girl... or so i thought!!!
two hours later, at 2.00 AM the empty strrets of pune, taught me a lesson... never go that extra mile for u..
u left me alone at such an early stage in our relationship..
i came down just for u... lied to my folks, squeezed my bank account dry...
WHY?? so that i'd be penniless on the streets??
NO its for the love ive felt for u, so deep down within...unlike anything ive felt for anyone...
u'd promised me that we'd spend the night talking in the cafe... over mugs of steaming cappuchino... like weve always imagined, but never done...
but u preferred the warmth of ur friend's apartment, to the warmth of my love...
but did my love change?? it didnt!!
IT JUST COULDNT!!!

The night shifts i worked, just so that i could finance our monthly meetings, my gifts to u, our clandestine rendezvous,
our first anniversary... the worst day of my life...
My second anniversary...well, it never happened...
u ditched me 6 days before...
i sold my hard disk, 80 GB- brand new, for 600 bucks lesser, so that i could have ur favourite chocolate truffle, blue orchids and the brown teddy hand-delivered to u at midnight...
but it was in vain...
u were happier with him, werent you?? just because i didnt give u time??
i didnt HAVE time goddamnit!!! i sacrificed all my waking hours WORKING for the money... my responsibilities at college, CAT, mom n dad... nothing made my life any easier!!
i did it for u, so that we could have a better life ahead.. but u preferred a chatty boyfriend who cheated behind ur back, rather than me..
yeah, i wasnt the hookah-smoking cool biker guy who went on exciting international trips...
But i gave u the very best i could, and for me it matters!!!
I treated u at the best restaurants, gave u the best gifts, spent money i didnt have...just to make u happy...
but u used me...
my conscience abhors me... i hate myself for being alive...
i feel raped of my dignity...my self confidence has diminished into something slimy, gooey stuff that congests my chest, which stops me from breathing...

Is this fair? who am i kidding?? was life ever fair to me???
i know uve stopped reading long ago, but i have to unburden myself...
i have had enough of this!!
the agony of my wretched soul has to be soothed... im here.. rasping...begging for solace, but i find none....
i cant cry anymore...ive cried too much...
no one knows.. no one would ever know... i told no one...


last night u told me u found out hes been lying to u...
he has a girl friend u never knew about...
u cried.. like i could never bring myself to cry...
like a baby, the tears cleansing, washing off the pain...
not my silent half-choked midnight sobs of agony.. self pity....

u asked for forgiveness...
u said u want to come back...
i said yes...


does that make me the loser?? or the victor?? has time settled its scores with u?? or have i made a fool of myself... yet agian!!
whatever it is, a small part of me died last night...
no one would notice, its too insignificant anyways...
But it was a part of my soul which was my most prized possession...
Which never left me since the day i came to being....

its called...



my self respect....